When you’re obeying God, when you’re letting the Holy Spirit flow, when you’re living out Christ’s teachings…you’re spiritually battling Satan. And he doesn’t like it. In fact it ticks him right off. And like the petty jerk he is, he retaliates. I believe he makes life harder, and even physically attacks us. Lately, as I have begun to embrace God’s calling on my life and allow the Holy Spirit to flow more freely through me, I have suffered many skirmishes and come out battered but victorious. Pray for me friends, as the enemy attacks me in both covert and obvious ways.
That is the question, this lazy woman tends to ask herself, nearly every day. I can see where I want to be, and can roughly see an outline of the path I need to take to get there. But…(there’s always a “but”, isn’t there? )…it’s that first couple steps that take such effort. And once you get started, it’s that boring in-between time; before you have proven yourself, before you really know what you’re doing, before you’ve really shown progress, before you’ve even really *seen* any progress in yourself, that really wears a person down. It’s depressing. You know you won’t get there if you don’t just DO it. UUUhhhhhggg! It’s in those moments when I ask myself, “Well? Do you really want it?” Yes I do, and I won’t give up. But there are days where outsiders might easily place bets on when I’d throw in the towel.
What holds me back?
Failure. Effort. Is this Worth it?…..The FEAR of these things.
The ROOT IS FEAR. I am afraid.
Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking. Psalms 55:5 NLT
Fear is paralysing. Fear keeps you from succeeding.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
So how does one combat the fear? I call on God, and I get a little angry, honestly. Because you know who feeds on our fears? Who wants us to feel defeated and broken? Our enemy. He knows we won’t succeed if he beats us down with our own mistakes. And righteous anger, can be VERY productive and motivating.
“You can’t make it, it’s too hard for someone like you. You’ll never be good enough!”
If you listen to that crap long enough, you start to believe it. I grew up hearing what a worthless, waste of a human being I was. It took a long time to ever think differently, let alone, believe differently. See why I get angry? That jerk has been praying on me from the start, trying to keep me down. But the Lord is faithful, He never gave up on me. He put people in my life that were positive, and their energy was embracing and uplifting. With good people encouraging me, showing me Christ’s Love, I started to believe I actually had a chance. And despite some brutal set-backs, orchestrated by the enemy, I started to act on that promise that I was worth something. That I was beautiful. That I was LOVED.
All you who fear the Lord, trust the Lord! He is your helper and your shield. Psalms 115:11 NLT
So now, I believe I CAN make it, that I DO have a chance, and that I AM worth the effort. I don’t need to fear the hard work it’ll take to become an epic medieval fighter in the league, I should embrace it! Does this guarantee I’ll become the best? No way, but it does mean I shouldn’t fear the trying to! I will hold my head high, knowing that I didn’t let fear stop me from trying. Fear won’t stop me from honoring my God, and fear won’t stop me from living. No matter what Life throws at me. Lord knows, it’s already thrown me several curve balls! I have learned to dance around them, as I worship His Holy, Holy, Holy Name!
The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? Psalms 118:6 NLT
As I finish writing this, and start thinking about what to cook for my family’s supper, I wonder how many times I will have to keep reminding myself not to fear, but to trust my Heavenly Father? It doesn’t really matter, does it? Just as long as I do. He’s always there, ready like a Holy RIT (Rapid Intervention Team) to come to my rescue. A good Commander looks out for His troops, I have nothing to fear.
What does that even mean? What indeed. It means I put God first, even before my husband, before my kids, before my politics, my hobbies, my friends, family, everything.
It means He is my commander, and I follow His orders in this Battle called Life.
I don’t always do a very goo job, but this is a chronicling of my journey to become a better Lady, Follower, Wife, Mother, Daughter, Friend, Sister, Mentor, and Knight.
“A woman can’t be a knight.” Oh yeah? I beg to differ. For one, I am a member of the Armored Combat League, and once I earn a place on the USA team, and fight in an international competition, I will earn the title of USA Knight. For another, I am a soldier of God, and it’s my Holy duty to follow Him and obey His will. No, I’m not a crazy, modern-day Crusader; but there is an enemy, and we DO have to battle him everyday. So yes, I will call myself a knight as I fight for my Lord and Saviour. While also earning the title in my chosen sport, and hoping that I will be able to witness to my fellow members of this brutal sport, and by my light and love, may they know me for a true follower of Christ.
And on a related note, yes I do realise that when a woman is knighted, they are referred to as ‘Dames’, but unless HRH Queen Elizabeth of England, or another modern-day monarch, wants to ‘knight’ me, the this is NOT a title I can actually hold. This isn’t about “gender equality”, this is a LOT deeper than that and if you’re hung up on that, stop reading this blog now. Go get over yourself, and then come back with an open mind and heart. I say that because, if you can’t read this with an open mind & heart, then you’re wasting both my time and yours.
Today, I’m listening to some great Andy Stanley podcasts and doing some personal faith checks, I need to rethink some of my behaviours. One thing that stood out, was this quote:
“How you treat people, made in God’s image, is a direct reflection of your love for God.” -Andy Stanley
That was a real spiritual smack upside the back of the head for me. I am a fickle, arrogant, proud woman. And I need to humble myself. God help me with this. And I ask you, Reader, to please pray for me to submit myself to God’s will.
But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. Matthew 23:12 NLT
I went outside and did some physical fitness work. I ran and walked laps around the yard, did some quick strike work on the tree-bag(bruised a knuckle, oops, need to relearn how to wrap my hands to protect them), and some cold therapy training. (That means I went outside only wearing leggings and a sports bra and walked around in the snow and focused on controlling my breathing and relaxing even in the cold. Don’t worry, no one saw me, I wouldn’t let that happen because I don’t want to make it easier for someone to sin because of my actions.) It’s 28F degrees, but feels like 3F with a 20mph wind. As my physical body, my Holy Temple, get’s stronger, so also do I need to make sure my immortal soul is growing stronger in FAITH. So I will Pumping both Proverbs and dumbbells. Sounds dumb, but you are a multi-part machine and all those parts need maintenance. And humans are lazy, I know, because I’m human. So this blog is for my self accountability. And if someone reads this and it helps them in some small way, then that makes it even more worth writing.
I’m off to cook my lunch; healthy and wholesome steamed veggies and grilled turkey burgers. Yum. Clean fuel makes my body run better! Then cleaning the house, playing with the children, and researching armor styles from the 14th century and maybe do some painting. This is just a day in the life of a Lady-Knight of God.